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My Husband Says I'm Too Negative

Dear Dr. Ellen: My husband just walked out the door and told me that he didn't want a Valentine's card from me this year because he's sick and tired of my critical nature. It's true. He never seems to get upset at me but for some reason so many things about him annoy me. We've been married for 6 years and have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I've been crying about what he said all morning and don't know what to do. I know he'll be upset if I get him a card and I'll be upset if I don't. - Meg

Text and Image Copyright Notice. Published under copyright by Loveawake Spain. © Copyright 2010-2021. All rights reserved.

Dear Meg: To keep love alive, you have to be able to make your husband feel good about himself. When you first fell in love all you saw were his wonderful qualities. That's why they say, "Love is Blind." Unfortunately, as time goes you get so caught up in the business of raising children and the daily routine of life that you often focus more on what's wrong with a person than what's right. Honor his request and don't get a card. Instead, sit down and write him a love letter and include all the reasons why you love him. Before you do this I want you to really think about all the qualities you saw in him when you first fell in love. To help you shift from your present negative thinking to positive thinking, I want you to ask yourself these two questions:

1) How would someone else who has just fallen head over heels in love with my mate view the same personality traits that have begun to irritate me?

2) If my mate had only one more day to live, what would I be focusing on?

Remember there are at least two ways to view every personality trait, from a positive or negative viewpoint. I'll give you some examples. If you view your mate as unenthusiastic, another way of looking at it is that he is often patient, consistent and low-key. If you see your mate as indecisive, he's probably flexible, open-minded and philosophical. If he's disorganized, he's probably spontaneous, creative and multifaceted. If he's rigid, he's probably dependable, consistent and responsible. I hope you see my point. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves when they are with you.

Then, after you are done with the love letter, make some love coupons and give them to him. If you don't have the time to do it by tomorrow, you can still use the idea for another occasion - the day you met, his birthday, or a no occasion gift. Somewhere write - "More valuable than money is my gift of LOVE to you. Because you are so special, you are worth my time, my energy and my effort."

Some ideas for coupons -

1. A morning of rest. Sleep as long as you want followed by breakfast in bed.

2. A soothing bubble bath followed by a massage from head to toe, guaranteed to relax that wonderful body of yours.

3. A lunch date at the restaurant of your choice. We'll enjoy the pleasure of each other's company. Who knows where we'll have "dessert"!

4. A steamy shower for two - guaranteed to make you feel clean "all over".

5. A shopping spree for the "nightie" of your choice. Let your imagination run wild and let me be your fantasy.

6. King for a day. You pick the day and your every wish will be my command.

7. One passionate evening in the room of your choice!

8. A snuggle date in bed. A day to watch T.V. and eat in bed. Nothing to do but relax in each other's arms.

9. Kiss and make-up session. If I have upset you in any way, just present this coupon and I'll listen to you, make it up to you and also say, "I'm sorry".

10. A 10-second kiss. You pick the time, day or night, and we will engage in a passionate 10-second kiss. I want to show you that, not only do I love you, but that I am still "in love" with you. - Dr. Loveawake

Dumped By a Gamer

Dear Loveawake: I am going through a breakup and need an outsider’s eye because I’m kinda lost right now.

My ex and myself have been together for 2 ½ years and have basically been living together for that long.
The relationship started off amazing…we got along extremely well…but these past few months I have grown distant from him, physically and emotionally. I expressed to him that there were issues I had with the relationship (he is a big gamer and has said many times he is happiest when we’re sitting in the apt alone and he’s playing his game and I’m doing my own thing –and I enjoy the outside world, so that’s a problem lol)

I told him the game playing was an issue because I felt less important…so by him acting this way (among a couple other things) it kinda pushed me away, and turned me off.

Then one Saturday morning completely out of the blue, he breaks up with me and leaves (I mean completely out of the blue…he never voiced to me that anything was wrong…just a week before the break he was trying to buy me a laptop so we could play this game side by side online).

I later found out this new girl had started at his work that week and was flirting with him. I’m figuring he was getting attention that he wasn’t at home and jumped on the opportunity.It just boggles my mind though why someone would give up on 2 ½ years without even trying to fix it?

He then pulled the ol ‘I was only playing games because I was unhappy with us’…which is a complete lie, because he’s played games since we began dating, and why would he try time and time again to get me to play the games with him? He’s moved most of his stuff out (there is still quite a bit there), and has moved down the street…any insight as to why a person would move down the street??

I’m just so floored with this whole situation and feel completely lost. Any insight you can provide is appreciated! ~Can’t Believe It’s Over~

Published under copyright by Loveawake dating site. © Copyright 2009-2021. All rights reserved.

 

Dear CBIO: The Loveawake is sad to tell you that you’ve been dumped and there really isn’t any more to it than that. You’re working really hard to read nuance of intention into his actions: He’s moving down the street, he’s got someone new flirting with him, he says he was gaming because of the relationship when clearly that’s not true…these are all points of analysis that you’re hoping will refute the logic of the breakup and make it obvious that you haven’t been dumped.

Let go CBIO. Take a deep breath, take yourself out for a nice meal or a drink, find a friend (not a shared friend…one of yours) to commiserate with, and get about the business of getting over him. Two and a half years of (from his perspective) a relationship that doesn’t work isn’t something to continue investing in.

My Husband Left Me

Dear Dr. Ellen: It has been 4 months since my husband left me. I was shocked and devastated when he told me that he had been having an affair for 6 months. I could not believe that he was throwing away 10 years of marriage, not to mention the pain he was causing our 8 and 10-year old children. I purchased your tapes and now I see why he had the affair and what I should have done differently. I admit that all my focus was on my children and my work. We had practically no sex life. My question is "Is it too late to patch this up. He has not filed for divorce and hasn't brought the topic up. He comes over to see the kids on weekends. It seems like he's staying longer and it's getting harder to leave. I feel like sometimes we are getting closer and then he'll still leave. I often wonder what she says to him- how she must be dreading the thought of him leaving her to come back to his family. I am so unsure what to do. I love him so very much and I want to grow old with this man. Thank you so much - Christine

Text and Image Copyright Notice. Published under copyright by Loveawake. © Copyright 2010-2021. All rights reserved.

Dear Christine: The only thing you can do, now that you are not living together, is to make the time count when he comes over to visit. Act happy, independent and busy with your life. Act like someone who he'd want to have an affair with. Do not be depressed and needy. I don't care if your heart is breaking, don't let him see that side anymore. When he says it's time to leave, say, "Okay, thanks for coming by" and seem anxious for him to leave or better yet, the next time, you make it a point to cut the visit short because you have plans. The point is that your behavior has been so predictable and I'd like you to be UNPREDICTIBLE. Then he'll start to wonder what's going on. Maybe you've met someone? Have an air of mystery to you. The more time he spends with you, the more angry the other woman will get and he'll get tired of her moods. You have to act like the other woman. Compliment him, talk to him, treasure the little time you have together and make it count, then sweetly kiss him goodbye. No accusations, no making him feel guilty, and no pathetic, or sad behavior. The more fun you are to be with, and a pleasure to talk to, the less time he'll want to spend with the other woman. It may take some time, but you can do this! - Dr. Ellen